Once again... we are all faced with the looming thought of trying to lose our "holiday weight" at the first of the year. Thus... it being pretty damn pointless to try to avoid eating all the good -ish that we all grew up on; Granny's sweet potatoe pie, or the macaroni and cheese, greens, lemon cake, pound cakes, honey cured ham,... chile' I could go on and on. But instead of me preaching to you all about the Do's and Don'ts of safe holiday snacking... I'm going to do the exact opposite. That's what the NEW YEAR is for dammit! So you can work all that good eatin off!
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit and needs to be immediately slapped! In fact, if you see carrots, leave ASAP! Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. Ya'll know that it only comes out once a year so err'body is tryin to get some of it. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every damn sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two... and as a matter of fact... drop a dash of gin in that mugg too! It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. Use it on every damn thing on the table! That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission... what's the fun in that right?
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Opperative words... FREE FOOD!
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Sweet Potatoe & Pecan. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like pecan, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Easter? Damn the chocolates... go for the carbs!!!!
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards dudes!
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
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